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According to the The Free Dictionary, an in-law is a relative by marriage.
Over the years, this has been quite the controversial topic. Many stories have been told regarding the relations with one's in-laws. Lots of movies, programs, books, songs have been written and published about this topic. A topic that, no matter how times change, remains hot and very much discussed.
How much truth is there in the narratives around relating to the in-laws post say 2010?
Is this topic so generic that one's experience is mostly or exactly the same for the next person's?
Well, I don't know. I am neither married or espoused as we speak. However. I've heard many stories about in-laws and have experienced it from a number of scenarios and angles.
I must say, most versions I have heard have been rather gloomy, sinister and not quite ideal. I have always wondered as to why would that be the case? Where are the wholesome, nourishing in-law stories, books, movies and songs? Surely they are being lived out there. And they must be shared with the people of all nationalities.
Because, this is not a black or white thing. Asian or European. It is a human relevant topic that must be put out there. Normalized. Healthy and wholesome relationshiping with our partner's families. With other people.
The twisted in-law narrative, promoting rivalry just needs to end.
Its time is up.
Marriage is a blessing. A commandment and gift from God. For the sustainability and continuity of families, generations. Bloodlines even.
Those hoping to get into the covenant of marriage, they need to hear these good and normal experiences from In-Law Relationshiping. Those who have exited or avoided the institution, they can use these testimonies for reflection, reconciliation or even repentance. Those within the institution, they can be encouraged to do better. To be better in their In-Law Relationshiping. It's important.
In-law relationshiping has to be un-monsterized. Un-hyperbolized. And re-called from the category of all things scary and to be avoided. Nothing about that narrative is biblical. Nor can it be accurate. It has been serving for far too long as a tool for many relationships to not start, to be broken or just warped in their existing nature.
The narrative needs to stop. Be utterly cast down and brought into captivity to the authority of Jesus Christ. The truth.
Before you are an in-law; you are a person. You are a human being. An individual. You have characteristics, a personality, preferences and most importantly a belief system. Being a vessel of honour and righteous are intrinsic individual qualities. Got nothing to do with your relationship status.
Ever had, you know those times when you think:
When I have a partner; then. Or when I am married; then. Or when I have kids, then this would happen. Or maybe, when I start working. etc. etc...
It's time to take a couple of steps back from such statements. We must admit that fulfilment comes from within. And teach that. For example, as people, we wrongly expect certain statuses or achievements to come with a fulfilment of some void.
In the relationship context, if a person is appreciative, righteous, values and has love for others; basically virtuous. That's who they are. No matter where they are in life. On the other hand, a divisive, unloving, unrighteousness person is just like that. Irrespective of relationship or positional status.
Unless maybe, they actively humble themselves and seek the deliverance from the Lord.
So, when it comes to in-laws, they too are just humans. Before being elevated to another status because of marriage. They are at the very basic, human beings, created by God.
So, where does this teaching of prideful, calculating, full of trickery, must be feared, almost worshipped in-laws come from? It's been told for far too long. Bizarrely even by those who haven't even experienced such in-laws. But they endorse it because it's what's done. Purely out of habit. Why are we wrongly influencing people? How can we endorse what you have not experienced? Unless off course by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. Which happens. Known to happen.
It is often hard to be yourself around those you have been given incomplete truths about. Pre-conceived ideas develop. It's just the nature of people. And this is a state that's not so easy to turn away from. It's taught in 1 Timothy 5:19 "Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses."
I know of a relative who spoke disdainfully over her child's relationship and partner. For a very long time. Both before and after the child married the partner.
A decade later, the same relative is speaking cold and bizarrely about their younger child's partner. Yet, surely they enjoy boasting rights that parents have from when children are married and being exemplary in human adult living. Which is not a bad thing.
But, I mean. What is the source or intention of this behavior? It is a tactic of sorts to misguide probable enemies? Speak ill and disapprovingly as a safeguard for winning towards the I Do road? What's the point? Is it a coping mechanism or safety net; that covers fear and keeps disappointments at bay? Is it a decoy perhaps? What must the hearers do; who hear these concocted informations and stories?
Are they supposed to just waltz down a misdirected path of prideful judgmental-ness? Think less or stay away from the said unworthy partner, according to the stories?
If the stories are true; why the casual dishing out of another person's mishaps, misfortune or iniquities? What is the intention? Are you pure or sinless? Have you no mercy? Or are you plain divisive, self condemned and warped?
Like, when people meet on a one on one basis, they get along or they don't. They can relate from common interests of sorts. Or not. Worst case, they just admit to being different. Because of age, topical content or whatever the case may be. Sometimes, hidden individual issues, stand in the way for good relationshiping.
So, when two or three are gathered in my name, I will be in their midst.
That's what the bible says. So, why not gather in the name of the Lord? And then GOd will be in your midst.
It's also written, where there's unity, God commands a blessing.
Then, find a unifying something so that God can command the blessing.
Worst case scenario, we are taught to live peaceably with each other, it's in the bible.
Basically, when people are to be in each other's lives, there will be common ground. For that season or however long. There is a God-purpose to prevail.
Human beings are complex and very diverse. But, simple in their basic needs for love, fellowship and acceptance.
A category is needed for those in Love-Unmarried relations
My experience? Well...
I have three aunts. Four uncles. Two aunts made it to the church alter. Ok, correction. Two aunts became married, as given to them by the Lord.
One aunt is in a very long standing relationship, with three offspring.
One married uncle (unwitnessed cos, I wasn't there).
One married cousin and another in a relationship. This technically translates to:
Two uncles in-law
A never seen aunt in-law
One cousin in-law
The others in love-unmarried relationships, well they just remain undefined. Undefined - a division by zero. These are often not as respected or accepted as their certified counter-parts. Which is; at a level, wrong and quite inconsiderate.
Yet, we know these relationships by kinship associations very well. We are aware of them. We are even acquainted to these partners. Friendships develop for some. And strong bonds of sisterhood or brotherhood develop for others. It's known to happen. Because first and foremost, before the marriage officer, we are humans and relate to each other.
How then can we refer to and categorize these relationships from love-unmarried partners? Dignify them, you know? The by kinship or love-unmarried associations somewhat. With a term or a category.
Using the commonly used acronym-like method of the 21st century, we can define a term to refer to those in a love-unmarried and are in our lives By Kinship Association.
By.K.A - BY Kinship Association
A palatable noun. Pronounce as biker:
A term developed using the acronym-like method. A word from the phrase By Kinship Association.
The term is used to define or refer to those who we relate to because of love-unmarried relationships. Those we know by kinship association. These are the partners to our relatives. Families of our love-unmarried partners. For long standing or exclusive relationships.
Let's think of situations of how we can use this word.
"We have invited my byka mom to come and spend Christmas with us this year."
Referring to the mother of your partner with whom you are not married.
Due to current socio-economic limitations, my friend and his partner have decided to co-habit and jointly invest in an affordable home. They received blessings and the full support from respective byka families.
My cousin's boyfriend is more of a byka cousin now in our family. They have been exclusively dating for some years now. And my nephew is a sure fruit of their love-unmarried.
It would be interesting to come up with the vernacular versions or native versions of these. I mean, what are In-Laws in your native language and how were the terms formulated? What do they sound like. You know? What do they mean? It's a very interesting topic.
Definition and categorizing are useful for enabling acceptance and belonging in relationships. There's no law per say in dating or courtship. Yet, these are important and valuable relationship phases. By remaining undefined outside the two people involved, challenges often result.
Definition allows for normalization, transparency, openness and acceptance.
Parents can learn to openly acknowledge their children's partners in love-unmarried relationships. The absence of a designated term perpetuates alack of acknowledgment, blatant denial. A historic taboo and a legacy of keeping up appearances.
Meanwhile, the partners are living, loving and some even pro-creating. Time progresses. Families grow.
Home affairs acknowledges love-unmarried offspring. Rightfully so. Our families and society can do the same. Openly so.
This is not in any way trivializing the importance of marriage nor belittling an admirable tradition and the observing of due protocol. But, look around. Some couples don't even consider the marriage officer or extravagant wedding ceremonies. When expected to or at all. Yet they do co-habit very well for years and even make babies.
Is a love-unmarried any less of a love shareable between two people? Is a relative's exclusive partner unrecognizable when uncertified? Are love-unmarried families any less family? The children any less children?
Think about it.
Who knows the real reason behind two people not certifying their love according to the law as we know it?
Marriage is a covenant. It's admirable. Exercised in obedience and honour towards God, parents and the law. In order to recognize a union between two people. However, marriage has also been made into a game involving much scheming, hatred, jealousy and plain wickedness.
The word says in Ephesians 5:31 -
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
So, it's not a man must or a man should. It's a man will. Willingly will leave and make a wife of a woman. But look around you. Pre-marital co-habiting and procreation are happening.
Doing things the right way is paramount. Defining bykas is in the spirit of love, mercy and acceptance. Not to condone fornication or recklessness in any way. The decision to marry lies between two people. Some do fall or falter along the way and never making it to certification.
We can learn to stop covering sin with more sin and rejection. The word says in Romans 12:21:
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good"
Marriage is wonderful. Beautiful even. Hopefully, the fabricated perception that it's the ultimate accolade for relationshiping; stops. It's a decision between two people that must live in it. Not a board or bar exam achievement from the school of dating. We can't look at it like that.
False expectations have been created from such perceptions around marriage. Usually perpetuated by the older generations and consequently passed down. The plot was lost somewhere along the line. The plot on what genuine love and compassion for people is. The plot on the purpose of union. Of the marriage.
Many casualties have resulted from the concocted marriage - love dynamic narratives. Between love and marriage; love is the greater of the two. Love outlives a marriage.
And though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And now abide faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Read up on love. As capture in the bible. The Holy Bible that is. 1 Corinthians 13.
The in between categories relationships are a reality. Not quite boyfriend but also not yet husband. The not really a makoti but helpful and available enough as and when needed.
Un-categorized or undiscussed truths; very tricky to navigate, understand, regulate or manage. Leading to many being stuck in never ending cycles of role auditions. Understudies, just in case.
Especially the Love-Unmarried.
And that is not fair. It's not right.
We all need acceptance, belonging; grace and mercy. Defining and discussing the love-unmarried, can instill worthwhile basic human values. Can improve on how we treat others. How we look at others. How we consider others. And how we relate to others.
It can help build good foundations for relationshiping at any level. Also, it can promote healthier and less pressured transitioning into actual certified marriage.
Let love first. The Agape kind.
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